Numbered

There is a funny, devastating thing that happens during chemotherapy. You lose your hair. I am not vain... There might be some that would disagree with that because they don't understand the difference between vanity and pride in appearance. Vanity implies you are so wrapped up in your outward appearance that you are willing to overdo to draw attention to yourself to gain attention. Pride in ones appearance is totally different.  I want my outside to reflect how I feel on the inside. 

For the past three days my hair has been coming out at an alarming rate. It makes me nauseous. More so than the chemo. I hate strands of hair on surfaces. And this stuff is everywhere! I never dreamed I would feel toward the hair loss like I do at this moment. It is sobering. But, I am reminded that this is not the worst thing that can happen in this journey. 

But as women, we have so many parts of our body that exhibit our outward beauty. Our hair is our crown, so-to-speak. We cut it, color it, curl it, up do it. Whatever we think will make ourselves look good. Some of us are experts at making it beautiful. Some of us simply make do. But here's the thing... It is not who we are... It's a bonus gift. And when it is taken from you, you realize that you are no longer in control. You have to let it go. You have to rely on God and your physicians that this is the journey you must take to live. 

As the hair comes out, the scriptures flood me. The most obvious is Matthew 10:30...

"But the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

I don't know about you, but I know that as each numbered hair falls from my head, God is moved. He knows the emotional pain it causes me. He knows how hard it will be for me to accept the loss. He knows I will need strength to face what's ahead. And he tells me in His word what I need to know... Two thousand years later. How cool is that?!?

But it doesn't end there. He also follows up in verse 31:

"Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than the sparrows."

I am and YOU are. We are precious. We are His likeness. We are His most important creation. He just tells us that no matter what we are facing we are not to fear and to rely on His amazing love and grace.

I am honestly willing to go through whatever to eradicate this cancer. Whatever. So if losing my crown is what I must do, I will. I have an arsenal of cute hats and scarves to make it more bearable. Just remember you are precious and your hairs are numbered and God loves you more than anything else in His creation and He takes care of them. How much more will He take care of you?

"His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

Monica

He's got this

I have kept a prayer journal for a couple of years now. It all started with a devotional I did by Beth Moore, Whispers of Hope . Very intensive study. I was forced to examine my life of devotion to Christ and my devotion to prayer. I decided after I looked back on my prayers that it would be a good idea to journal them from now on in addition to my devotions each morning. That way I could look back and see how God had worked over time in certain situations. I am now doing her devotional, Portraits of Devotion .

He has revealed Himself to me over and over. Always has. He is such a reassuring presence. Almost every day since June 8th  He has given me a daily devotion about healing. How Jesus healed the sick, the broken, the lost. I am not naïve enough to believe that healing always results in life... Sometimes it is death. And I am acutely aware of my mortality these days, trust me. But there is always reassurance that He is in control.

Today's devotion... Hit. Me. Hard. Day 119:
"Until He has us out of our element-
 - and into His - We will never see His Glory. We will always be deaf to what He was trying to say."

My response....

"I hear You. I am being taken out of my element. I am now entering a phase where I will be completely out of control. Honestly, I have never been in control, but my world and my mortality have not swirled around me like this before. I am completely at your mercy. You hold the keys and I can't make one single decision to affect the outcome. "

The Type A control freak I am is having to let go. I trust God with every aspect of my life. I have to lay it down EVERY DAY... I have to snap out of it... Every. Single. Day. I have to remind myself over and over it will be okay. I have to push it so far into the recesses of my mind to where it doesn't exist... For a moment or two.

After my devotion I then lift up prayers for others. So many sick and hurting. Lost and broken. I forget my problems and just focus on them and their healing. Oh how He loves for us to pray for one another. And I love to pray for others because so often, that is literally all I have to give. I then ask for my selfish desires. I asked that grace and peace and love abound. I asked for favor and wisdom, discernment, self-control, grace, peace and understanding. May my gut feeling be Your Holy Spirit..

Then when I am finished I grab my Bible and just ask the Word to speak.... I close my eyes and I open it up. Many times it leaves me flat, for some reason I land in the Old Testament and I am reading scripture on warring factions.
But this morning.
Oh this morning.

Philippians 1: 6, 9-11

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and discernment that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you maybe sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. "

Did you see that?!? Holy wow! Every day since I have been diagnosed with cancer, I have been given so many reassurances from God. Through people's comments, their prayers on my behalf and my time spent with God. I am a Jesus Girl and if you know me you know that. I feel wretched when I am not in His will or when I have pushed Him to the side that day.

All. He. Wants. Is for you and me to draw closer to HIM. He doesn't want us to jump through hoops. He just want us. He wants us to talk to Him. To rely on Him. To spend just a modicum of our day with Him. That's not much really, and I can promise there are many others who spend way more on Him than I could even imagine.

But when I truly humble myself to Him and let Him have the reigns, He really does do great things. He doesn't answer all my prayers like I would like for Him to... But He answers the ones that need to be answered. His timing is perfect and as time progresses, I am very aware He has my best interests at heart.

Let Him have control y'all. He will do unbelievable things.

Monica

Last Day

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... I have heard that my whole life. Well, today is the last day of the life I once knew. Tomorrow a new chapter of life begins for me. That chapter is entitled "Cancer". What a word it is! One of the scariest words in any language, right up there with tsunami, eartquake, ISIS and Satan. It is probably a lot like those other scary words. It has a very destructive power. It can topple the strongest of us all. It doesn't care who you are, how "good" you are, how intelligent or successful you are. It has been quoted as saying, "Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a d@$n!"

I have dealt with cancer in my lifetime on many occasions. I lost my grandmother to it when I was four. I watched it ravage and devour my father when I was 12. It took my father-in-law from us. I recently lost a sweet friend to it. It is the worst thing ever... And I have it.

I always feared it. It was such a terrifying thing to me. Of course when I thought about it I thought about the many people it took from me. So the end result always seemed to be death. How sad... That when I let it invade my thoughts I let it defeat me before even having it. 

Now I do and you know what... It won't defeat me! I refuse to let it steal my joy! I refuse to let it make me sad! I refuse. And that's a true statement because I am stubborn. Like really hard-headed!

So, nah cancer, you can't have me!

I have so much to live for and fight for! I have a wonderful husband who literally can't get out of the rain without me! He needs me y'all!! He can't write a check or pay a bill online! He can't cook chicken and rice and sure as heck can't buy feminine products for our daughter! He doesn't understand the importance of binge watching Gossip Girl or Friends and has no clue who is hot in Hollywood and who is not!!

I have a son who needs his momma to remind him how to treat his new bride and give him tips on how to cook and do various a sundry things to keep her smiling!! He needs me y'all! He has no clue why Ulta is important or what piece of McCarty is important! He needs me to give him tips on teaching children and how to handle their sixth grade minds!

I have a beautiful daughter who needs my advise. She needs my shoulder to cry on when friends are forgetful or cruel! She needs trips to TJ Maxx and Barnes and Noble and needs someone who understands the urgency of both!! When her heart gets broken she needs me to whoop some tail!

My momma needs me, too! So does the rest of my family! Life would be dull without Monica!

And my friends! Lawd have mercy what would they do without my craziness? Life would be boring without my random texts or posts. They would be bored without me to point out what's wrong with everyone around us!

So as of tomorrow I will wage a war against what some may call a Goliath, but I will call it a bothersome gnat! Life will be different after tomorrow but by cracky I am determined it will be better and brighter!

I am confident in my faith and so thankful for it! God has got this, I plan to ride on His coat tails and watch Him work!

In the immortal words of Ginny Owens, from her song If You Want Me To
"But you never said it would be easy, You only said I'd never go alone."

Love to all!

Monica