Tribulation

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through who, also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 

And not only that we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance and perseverance character and character hope. "

Romans 5:1-4

How many tribulations have you gone through? I would venture to say that we all have had varying degrees of tribulation. Some things that ruin a moment or some that change your life forever. 

How we look at our tribulations is very important. How we deal with them is important as well. From the moment I was told I had cancer all I wanted to do was get rid of it. I made a conscious decision not to let it get me down. 

Easier said than done. As I made it through each milestone something about me changed. 

Chemo, no hair. 

Mastectomy, no breasts. 

Hysterectomy, no hormones. 

Honestly, y'all...,I look like an alien or at least artists renditions of aliens...

Only I am not green. But who knows, radiation might make that happen!! Ha!!

I can't hide what's happening to me. Bald, flat chested woman headed your way!! 

However, according to scripture, these are the things that will build my character and ultimately my hope. I can feel sorry for myself (which on occasion I do). Or I can buck up and move on. Blasting past the emotional and physical trials of this disease 

This applies to ALL of us. We all face trials in this life. We all know things are going to happen. This is where our choices come in. We can either choose to believe our trials are for our demise or for our good. 

I think God allows things to happen sometimes, to see if we will rely on Him and His strength. Every single negative thought you have comes from the enemy. Not God. Every single ounce of despair is fueled by the enemies lies! God has no part of it and wants only to dispel those lies. 

Please don't allow lies to destroy your hope, nor the trials and tribulations of this life. 

Romans 5 continues with verse 5...

"Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been POURED out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Don't waste the gift of the Holy Spirit, use His navigating, all loving power to move you into great hope!

Monica

Hope

The Hebrew translation of hope is "confident expectation". Oftentimes we use it more like the word wish. Clearly, hope is more than wishing. Hope is so much of what our lives consist of.  

Emily Dickinson penned,

"Hope is the thing with feathers 

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without words 

And never stops-at all."

It never stops at all. If we exercised hope like the definition implies, our expectation of the outcome would be confidence of fulfillment . I am sad to say most of us, including me, don't. 

Confident expectation. BELIEVING in what you have asked for and BELIEVING it will happen.

Matthew 21:22 was given to me this morning.

"And whatever things you ask for in prayer, BELIEVING, you will receive."

Believing is the key word. My belief is central to my hope...

Not gonna lie. The past few days have been very emotional for me. I return Wednesday to my oncologist to find out my fate. As I opened my devotional this morning...BOOM! TWO pages of why we should still believe in miracles and in Christ's power. Ephesians 3:20, "God is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in you."

He is able. And we should have full confidence in His ability. Not that doubts won't arise, but that when we place our trust in Him, He will ease our doubt and give us the strength and confidence we need. 

God doesn't expect us to understand everything. He expects us to trust Him when we don't understand. Whatever you ask, BELIEVING, you will be given. He will grant whatever you need, but there has to be a foundation of belief... True belief that He is who He says He is and He will do what He promises in scripture. 

Oh, and it may not happen right away. That is where hope comes in. Have the confident expectation that He hears you and will answer you... When He is ready. 

Just wait on Him with hope and trust. He knows what He's doing. He has not abandoned us and He never will. 

Monica

Trust

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life." Psalm 143:8

When I was diagnosed on May 13, I knew I was in for a bumpy ride. I never once doubted God's love for me. Never once. However... I questioned Him. I asked unrelenting questions. Daily... Hourly. But I never doubted His love and I never stopped trusting Him.

The sequence of events from the first doctor's visit till now were so orchestrated it is mind boggling. Everything pertaining to my care has been so detailed and so smooth I haven't felt uneasy yet. I have been covered in prayer.

But in it all I had to make the first step. I examined myself... Which was not something I did like I should. Obviously!! Because I had a 5.2cm tumor on the top of my breast that was not there 6 months earlier. 

1 in 8 women get breast cancer. Of reported cases, only 8% are caused from the BRCA 1 or BRCA2 gene. The other cases are completely sporadic. I was sporadic, which is comical, because that is also my personality! I was due for a mammogram the latter part of June. I am so thankful my OBGYN told me to just come in. I don't know how 2 more months would have affected my prognosis. 

I say all of this because I care about every single one of you. Please examine yourselves and get mammograms. If you have a good doctor they will listen to your concerns and see you whenever.

 I am thankful for mine, she is the best. 

You only get one chance at life. Your days are numbered and there are no guarantees! I can promise you, as much trust as I have put in God, I still beg him for life. This has been one of the scariest events in my life. 

So tomorrow, I will go through one of three remaining procedures to rid my body of possible disaster. I will lose a part of me that has been a blessing and a curse. Now more of a curse than ever. Hopefully I will have my health back and a long, beautiful life filled with love and grandbabies and happiness and joy. 

What I am experiencing has brought me so much closer to God. I talk to him all the time. He answers me with such sweet reassurances, it's hard to believe He doesn't have a plan for me. I have learned through quiet retribution my inadequacies and have sought forgiveness for them. 

Life is precious and every moment is a gift. I know that now more than ever. Please take care of yourselves. Listen to those small still voices. Know the warning signs and be vigilant. You are so much to so many! I have seen too many people I loved affected by cancer. I have also lost many. Don't ignore the signs or your health!

Your PSA for the day!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Monica

Next

Yesterday was my last treatment. The last 16 weeks have flown and crept, all at the same time. It has been easy and it has been difficult. However, the good days have far outweighed the bad!

Chemotherapy made me hate sweet tea and love orange Koolaid. I can not eat a hamburger but I love Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and meatballs! 

It is over-but it is not- depending on the pathology after my mastectomy. There is a very strong possibility I will also have to receive 4-6 weeks of daily radiation. It is just one more precautionary step. Dr. Vidal insists he has my best interest at heart. 

As I waited for my treatment, his news rocked me. I asked God what I had done to deserve all of this. I am sure there are some valid reasons for this season. They haven't all been revealed to me yet, though. Why can't it just be over?!? 

Then I walked into the treatment room and saw all of the precious people who are so much worse than I am. I know they ask God the same thing, I know they are experiencing the same doubts and fears I am. The same hope. 

My chemotherapy and possible radiation, I have been told over and over, are for my benefit. The radiation is "a precautionary measure, just to make sure any rogue cells are killed." I was blessed mine was found contained and did not originate from another source. Many people around me have been ravaged. 

I have watched a man every time I have been here. He looks worse and worse each time. He could not receive his treatment because his hemoglobin was low. I have seen people week after week then miss them only to find out they have passed. 

What have I done, Lord? I have done nothing but have a pity party! What am I so upset about? I have been covered in prayer. I have been showered with love. None of which I deserve!

I have a support group like no other! So, instead of asking what I have done, I will be thankful for what I have. I will continue to trust my Father, He is a good, good Father and I am loved by him! (Thank you, Chris Tomlin)

Everything I am experiencing is for my benefit. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don't understand why. That has not been revealed fully... Yet!

But I can tell you this.... It has made me more aware, more thoughtful and much more thankful! It has brought me to my knees in fervent prayer. It has made me appreciate life more. It has put things into perspective. It has ripped me in two and then put me back together. 

All of my relationships are stronger and my faith is bigger. Strangers have become friends. 

Life hurls stuff at you... Sometimes it hurls pebbles and other times in launches boulders. How we react to those attacks is the ultimate test. How much faith you exercise over despair is the biggest indicator of how you will come out on the other side. 

I have no doubt of God's love. I have no doubt that prayers work. And I have no doubt He has both you and me in His grasp. 

Deut. 31:8

"The Lord himself will go ahead of you. He will be with you. He will never leave you. He will never desert you, so do not be afraid, do not lose hope."

He is in control. He is good. He is love. 

John 1:16 AMP

"For out of His fullness we have received, grace upon grace."

Monica

Linda

On Friday morning, August 26, our lives were forever changed. We lost my mother-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly. She was the matriarch of our little clan and our hearts shattered into millions of pieces.

This was my ulegy. 

"I met Linda in April of 1990. I learned two things very quickly about her. She loved her two boys immensely and was a fantastic cook. There are probably very few people in this room who have not had a taste of her cooking. I married Brent for her cooking. Phatema and I are terrified of the holidays without her, because of her cooking!

As I met her many friends yesterday, the common denominator was the caliber of person Linda was. She was a friend to all. If she didn't like you, there was a very big reason for it! She was kind and loving and generous. She always tried to meet the needs of others through her volunteer work and by simply giving. She would give her clothes away, she would give her food away and her greatest gift to give was her love. So many people have been touched by her simple generosity. 

I marveled at how much she did. I think she did more in retirement than she ever did working a full time job. She helped with voting, was a Civitan, volunteered with the Red Cross. She loved her Bible studies and her two churches, Okolona Methodist and Brewer Baptist... This making her a Metho-Baptist. Her most recent love was helping out with the Saltillo Historical Society. If anyone knew about Saltillo, it was Linda. She was a wealth of knowledge and a little bit of gossip!!

But of all the wonderful things she was, her greatest achievement was mother. Kevin and Brent were her center. She was an excellent Momma. Never judgemental. She was always loving and full of wise correction. Thank God for her!! Kevin and Brent turned out to be loving and kind husbands and fathers! She was a mother to their friends as well. She never turned any of them away and I have always said I would have hated to see her grocery bill each week! 

Phatema and I were blessed to have her as well. She loved us like we were her own. She always gave the best advice and we never felt unwelcome or unloved. We are now the matriarchs of our little circle and put together, our feet can't fill her shoes. But she left us so much we will try our best to keep her memory alive. 

Cole, Anna Lauren and Matthew were her greatest treasures. She was a doting grandmother and not one person she encountered didn't hear about them  She was so proud of all three of them and spoiled them and loved them unconditionally. She was a wonderful Gran. When Cole found Rachel she was over the moon. She loved her like one of her own. 

She also loved her sister, Ann and her brother-in-law Carl. She was so happy when they moved to Shannon so she could see them more. She loved to cook for them and I think Carl loved that part too!

Our lives are forever changed and we don't know how we are going to do life without her. The hole she has left is unfillable. We will miss everything about her, especially her wit. She was so funny and a straight shooter and made life hilarious at times. No more picking on her about her food preferences or people observations. Eating out won't be near as fun or embarrassing. We will miss her chicken dressing, pecan pie and fried okra. Those are such trivial thoughts knowing where she is right now. Skipping and running and maybe even cartwheeling down the streets of gold. Telling Jesus what He needs to do for her family and friends here on earth. His response is most likely, "Yes, Ms. Linda. " Finally free of pain and happier than she ever could have imagined.

We can't adequately express what she meant to us. But we are thankful for everything she was to us. Only by the grace of God will we make it through without her. 

Love on your mothers. They are treasures and she was one of our greatest. 

Proverbs 31: 28-31

"Many daughters have done well,

But you exceed them all. 

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing

But a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised 

Give her the fruits of her hands

And let her own works praise her in the gates."

We praise you in the gates, Linda, and rejoice you are with your Savior. 

There is no greater gift to leave us. 

Monica 

Benefits

Everything good that has happened in my life has been a reward. Everything bad in my life has been a reward as well. I would not be where I am today if I hadn't had some hard knocks. Most of the time they were self imposed, I own that. But sometimes they were just things that happened that I had no control over. 

In every instance I can see the Hand of God. Not that He made the bad things happen, but that He was there the whole time. I am certain I have been given the bad times so that I can see more of God. I become raw and vulnerable. In those instances He shows us our dependence on Him and how He is in charge. We may not get what we want, but we get what we need. 

I don't always get what I want. I have had one particular prayer going for three years now.

 Three, y'all! 

At every turn, when I think it will come to fruition, it is not answered like I want. It wears on me... Causes me much distress... Makes me a little cranky... Just this morning, I realized...

It is for my good, and I am being protected from something I don't need in my life. 

It is for my benefit. 

So, in true "God fashion" I open my Bible and it fell open to Psalm 103.

Oh how I can relate to David. I mean, I am not a king nor was I ever a shepherd... I am not a guy. But I am so much like him! I teeter between sinful and righteous. I am also very aware of my sin, immediately. David was, too. 

As I have matured my sin sensitivity has too. My two biggest problems are gossip and jealousy. I can honestly say, sitting in an empty house...alone with two dogs... Has really helped in the gossip department. But then I have free reign to see what's "missing" in my life, compared to others and then jealousy creeps in. 

When I am truly repentant and listen, I learn. That's what Psalm 103 did for me this morning. I am going to paraphrase and hit the parts that spoke to me and I hope, will speak to you. 

"Bless the Lord, Oh my soul. 

And all that is within me, bless His Holy Name. 

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul

And forget not His benefits. 

Who forgives...

Who heals...

Who redeems...

Who crowns...

Who satisfies..."

Our souls are so precious to Him. How blessed we are by a God who benefits us. Who forgives and heals us, physically and emotionally. He redeems us, y'all!! Paid in full! He crowns us! Oh the day we receive that crown! And... He satisfies us. 

Maybe not how we would like, but how He wants and knows is best for us. 

For our benefit. 

Don't miss the opportunity to watch God work in your life. He is here! Working in our lives for our good! He can take a way every selfish desire and replace it with His desires. 

For our benefit. 

He will redeem us and crown us and that is our HOPE! Let Him satisfy your soul and bless it. He will make all things new and fill us with more hope and peace than we could ever imagine!

Daniel 6:16

"Your God, whom you serve continually. He will deliver you!"

Monica

Battles

We all are not given any guarantees in life. Trials and battles have been an ever present part of my life. Battling with my mother over English peas, was one. If you put a pile of those things on my plate.... You can bet your sweet bippy the only way they will come off of that plate is by scraping them in the garbage can untouched. I don't mind them in a soup or casserole, but alone... Just sitting there... round and green... staring at me like a bunch of beady eyes... yuck!

Some of my most prolific battles were with my two beautiful, intelligent and stubborn offspring.
My son...
He has tested me from day one. He is reactionary, so if I reacted, he reacted.

 With. Every. Thing. He. Could. Muster. 

In order to get it done, just get it over with, I learned that grocery shopping with the Red Power Ranger in cowboy boots, ain't so bad! I chose my battles with him and learned to let go of a lot. 

Or when my beautiful daughter needed a Barbie on almost every trip to Walmart. She wasn't a fit pitcher like her brother, but she was really good at making me pay for my transgression. Until I met her, I wasn't aware a four year old could give the silent treatment for literally days!!

These were battles of will. We all experience them. I look back on the turmoil of raising my babies and just laugh. I love to tell new moms not to sweat the small stuff! Eventually, it passes. We battle other things like depression, stress, unhappiness, fear, insecurity and anger. I believe that our biggest battles are with ourselves, which usually manifest themselves into battles with others. 

These days I would gladly trade those earlier battles for the ones I have today. I feel like a tennis ball at Wimbledon. Federer and Nadal are smacking me back and forth at 100mph! 

Back and forth...hope and fear.

Back and forth...peace and turmoil. 

What's going to happen? Will all the prayers work? Is the faith of my friends enough? Is my faith enough? What are His plans? How do I know for sure?

Back and forth. 

This morning I was reading Acts 14. Paul had healed a crippled man. The Jews of Antioch and Iconium had stoned him and thought he was dead. But the Disciples gathered around him and he arose and left the city. Later on he said in verse 22, "We must go through many tribulations to enter the Kingdom of God."

That struck a chord with me. I, in no way, compare myself to Paul and the disciples and all they went through. But I think this verse is applicable to us all. We aren't guaranteed a battle-free or tribulation-free life. We have never been told there won't be hard times, scary times or times that bring us to our wit's end.

The wonderful news is, we are promised we won't go it alone. We are precious and we are valued and even in the darkest and craziest of times... He is ever present and we are incredibly important to Him. Stuff happens, no doubt. But I honestly think the ultimate goal for God is to see how we react to it. 

I can be really mad... In fact I have had some anger issues over stuff lately... But if we call on Jesus and give him our anger and doubt and fear... He will reassure us through peace that transcends all understanding. 

So who will you take into battle with you? Satan? With all of his lies, malice and fear mongering? Or Jesus? With all of his truth, and peace and joy? I choose Jesus. 

Exodus 14:14

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace."

Monica

Forgotten

At my last treatment I was forgotten... actually I was lost... In the system. It was a very overwhelming day to say the least. Somehow, I was not put in the que and I didn't get my treatment for over an hour. They had changed some procedures and I was one of the unfortunate ones that they didn't know about.

It was a lonely feeling. I felt as if I would cry. Being here is emotional enough, but feeling forgotten is another. 

I have felt forgotten at other times. Birthday invitations I never received or parties I never was invited to. Those were very few and far between, but I remember how it hurt. 

It hurts to think others don't consider you in their plans. It hurts to see posts on Facebook and know you were overlooked and would love to be in that "all smiles" group picture. There is something so painful about the process of life and friendships. There seems to never be any consistently anymore. Even adults act like fickle middle schoolers. Or so it seems.

The thing about being forgotten is it hurts. Sometimes it is totally unintentional and others it is blatant. People are human... And they just don't think! I have always watched people in their purposeful forgetting of others. It can cause such strife. The passive aggressive way we silently choose make others feel lesser than.

But forgetting folks isn't in God' s mentality. He never forgets us! He tells us plainly in scripture that He will not forget us. That is so comforting, y'all! He isn't like us humans. He values us more than silver or gold. He doesn't look at our outward appearance. He could care less where we live or what we drive or how much is in our bank account. He just loves us and remembers us and thinks we are the coolest cats around! He wants to commune with us and include us, because in the end...He wants to be with us for all eternity. 

So the next time you feel left out or that you don't measure up to humans standards, remember that doesn't matter. You are perfectly imperfect for Him! He made your "imperfections"!! He blesses your low bank account, He made sure that you had shelter and a career (even if it doesn't pay much) and He's the reason you are where you are in your success even if it doesn't measure up to other's definition of success. He won't be surprised when He opens His door and sees you! He will rejoice!!

Oh and the cool thing is.... If we are in Christ... We will all be at the same party in heaven and we won't even care about the earthly junk! Some of us might be surprised who has been invited to the party!! Hallelujah!!!

Isaiah 49: 16

"See, I will not forget you, for I have engraved you on the palm of my hand!"

Monica

Covered

Cover..

"To put something such as a cloth or lid on top of or in front of something in order to protect or conceal"

I have found a new necessity... Hats. Actually, caps. I am more fond of baseball caps than hats. Women wear baseball caps more often than hats. I like that they are the norm. Hats are fancy... I am not fancy. Hats draw attention... I am not fond of attention. 

What's so funny about this little journey I am on is I have very little hair left. I actually forget I am bald at times, then I pass a mirror and I am startled by my reflection. No lie. I cover my head in public because I know it makes others uncomfortable and quite frankly.... I am uncomfortable with it. 

I have always had a love/hate relationship with my hair. It's not that great as far as hair goes. It looks like a side show when there is rain or humidity. When the air is dry it can be so on point if cut and styled right. There is some curl to it, but just enough to NOT do what I want it to!

On bad hair days I have said out loud, very emphatically, that I hate my hair. Well, God and chemo took care of that... I really don't have much to hate anymore! Ha!

So, I cover...conceal...but you can tell here is very little under that cap. It's not the best concealer, but it does give me great comfort. 

We use covers everyday to hide our ills. We try to find figure flattering clothes to hide our muffin tops or use colors to slim our backsides. We use makeup to cover scars and imperfections. We chose all sorts of accoutrements to flatter or hide.... Been doing it since the Garden. 

But the most precious covering we have is the covering offered to us by God. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 91:4

"He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler."

I love it so much I claimed it for Anna Lauren when she was born. We are also covered by the precious blood of Christ. When God looks at us He sees His Son, when we are in Him.

The tricky thing about covering is we can use it to hide a multitude of sins or something else... Our spirit. When we suppress or cover our spirit and don't allow it to shine, we do our Savior a great disservice. God doesn't ask us to live in a pious repressed state. He wants us to live in a joyous grace-filled state! He wants others to know our joy comes from Him!

He also wants us to live in victory. He wants smiles and hugs and laughter and love. Peacefulness and joy abounding. He wants us to live righteously and above reproach, but at the same time, He offers forgiveness and healing when we fall!

HE HAS US COVERED, Y'ALL!!

Please don't let the enemy or even your interpretation of The Word and Law let you forget this or embrace it. Live life with joy and peace and grace. Don't be a Grumpy Gus and don't cover up your greatest gift....

Love!!

Monica

Treasure

Matthew 6:19-21

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal,

but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where never moth or rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

One of my devotions this morning was about fitting in. I have struggled with that my entire life. I had so many insecurities growing up I ached to fit in. The funny thing is... I actually did fit in. But as I grew into adulthood I managed to fall into the pit of gaining acceptance from other mothers. You know the ones. Houses filled with the latest earthly treasures.... Children dressed in the latest earthly treasures... The finest earthly treasures on their fingers and wrists and ears and necks. Their vehicles that cost more than we borrowed to buy our house. 

I struggled to keep up. I looked like a homeless person at times so that my children looked like they stepped out of a catalog. Then one day I realized that I was storing up earthly treasures. It hit me... Except if photographed in these outfits no one would even remember what my kids had on at any given time. Were those monograms and Polo men a definition of who my children were? If they were then I was doing a great disservice to my children as well as the people who came in contact with us. 

I was completely and totally saved at the age of 30... Broken, jobless, pregnant and scared I was brought to my knees in complete submission. Prostrate on the floor by my bed I gave it all over to 

The One Who Saves. He picked me up, brushed me off and gave me hope. Then what do I do? Get caught up in the things of this earth. I can see Him just shaking His head at me! 

It took me a while to realize, my treasures are my children and my marriage and how I conduct myself. My salvation and how I use it. 

What are my heavenly treasures? 

My children's salvation... Their witness.... Their kindness... Their humility.... Their work ethic... Their strength.... Their love for others... 

My salvation and my husband's... 

My marriage is my greatest earthly and heavenly treasure. It has been tried and tested and tossed about, but because we never forgot our vows it has withstood the tests of life. We aren't The Cleavers, but we cling to the promises we made and the truth of true love. Read I Corinthians 13. 

I pray that my faith is the legacy I leave trailing behind me. That when people watch me they are watching my unfailing belief in God. That people don't look at me with one ounce of doubt as to where my treasure lies. That I ring true to every person I meet and that they don't define me by what I have or don't have. That my faith is my definition. 

Sweet friends, don't worry about what others think or what you think others think. Concentrate on loving your family and friends, as well as strangers, and serving God. He will serve you way more than you can imagine. Your treasures need to be the eternal things and the legacy you leave. I don't want to be remembered for my stuff.... I want to be remembered for the stuffing. 

Monica

Listen

It is the eve of treatment #3. I sit with my girl on the couch watching Aladdin. I parooze Facebook and Pinterest. I wonder how on earth I am here in this moment. How has my life has taken such a dramatic and life altering turn? I mean seriously.... How? Why? What did I do to deserve this? What am I supposed to learn from this?

I wrestle with hope and fear. It is natural I think... I have great hope in healing, but there is always a small nagging voice that says, "Why should you receive healing when others haven't? What makes you so special?"

That nagging voice isn't the voice of my Heavenly Father.... It is the voice of lies and mendacity.

As I was heading to lunch with a precious longtime friend today I was given the gift of a song. Casting Crowns, "The Voice of Truth".

"The Voice of Truth tells me a different story,
The Voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
The Voice of Truth says "This is for My Glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."

All the questions I could ever ask during this journey are answered in God's Word. He holds every key. He holds every tear. He cares about us. He made us in His likeness.... We are precious. So even when I lose a little hope, He wipes my tears and holds me in His hand and tells me to keep on listening to Him. Keep on reading His Word. Keep on praying. Keep on believing in miracles and hope and peace and love.

Because even if it isn't okay... It will still be okay!

Beth Moore, through her devotional, Portraits of Devotion , told me today...

"He answers me, so that I don't have to live off my own answers."

So, every verse He gives me about healing, every phone call, text or message telling me I am thought of or being prayed for, are precious answers.

John 15:14, "These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you and that your joy may be full."

Monica

Numbered

There is a funny, devastating thing that happens during chemotherapy. You lose your hair. I am not vain... There might be some that would disagree with that because they don't understand the difference between vanity and pride in appearance. Vanity implies you are so wrapped up in your outward appearance that you are willing to overdo to draw attention to yourself to gain attention. Pride in ones appearance is totally different.  I want my outside to reflect how I feel on the inside. 

For the past three days my hair has been coming out at an alarming rate. It makes me nauseous. More so than the chemo. I hate strands of hair on surfaces. And this stuff is everywhere! I never dreamed I would feel toward the hair loss like I do at this moment. It is sobering. But, I am reminded that this is not the worst thing that can happen in this journey. 

But as women, we have so many parts of our body that exhibit our outward beauty. Our hair is our crown, so-to-speak. We cut it, color it, curl it, up do it. Whatever we think will make ourselves look good. Some of us are experts at making it beautiful. Some of us simply make do. But here's the thing... It is not who we are... It's a bonus gift. And when it is taken from you, you realize that you are no longer in control. You have to let it go. You have to rely on God and your physicians that this is the journey you must take to live. 

As the hair comes out, the scriptures flood me. The most obvious is Matthew 10:30...

"But the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

I don't know about you, but I know that as each numbered hair falls from my head, God is moved. He knows the emotional pain it causes me. He knows how hard it will be for me to accept the loss. He knows I will need strength to face what's ahead. And he tells me in His word what I need to know... Two thousand years later. How cool is that?!?

But it doesn't end there. He also follows up in verse 31:

"Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than the sparrows."

I am and YOU are. We are precious. We are His likeness. We are His most important creation. He just tells us that no matter what we are facing we are not to fear and to rely on His amazing love and grace.

I am honestly willing to go through whatever to eradicate this cancer. Whatever. So if losing my crown is what I must do, I will. I have an arsenal of cute hats and scarves to make it more bearable. Just remember you are precious and your hairs are numbered and God loves you more than anything else in His creation and He takes care of them. How much more will He take care of you?

"His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

Monica

He's got this

I have kept a prayer journal for a couple of years now. It all started with a devotional I did by Beth Moore, Whispers of Hope . Very intensive study. I was forced to examine my life of devotion to Christ and my devotion to prayer. I decided after I looked back on my prayers that it would be a good idea to journal them from now on in addition to my devotions each morning. That way I could look back and see how God had worked over time in certain situations. I am now doing her devotional, Portraits of Devotion .

He has revealed Himself to me over and over. Always has. He is such a reassuring presence. Almost every day since June 8th  He has given me a daily devotion about healing. How Jesus healed the sick, the broken, the lost. I am not naïve enough to believe that healing always results in life... Sometimes it is death. And I am acutely aware of my mortality these days, trust me. But there is always reassurance that He is in control.

Today's devotion... Hit. Me. Hard. Day 119:
"Until He has us out of our element-
 - and into His - We will never see His Glory. We will always be deaf to what He was trying to say."

My response....

"I hear You. I am being taken out of my element. I am now entering a phase where I will be completely out of control. Honestly, I have never been in control, but my world and my mortality have not swirled around me like this before. I am completely at your mercy. You hold the keys and I can't make one single decision to affect the outcome. "

The Type A control freak I am is having to let go. I trust God with every aspect of my life. I have to lay it down EVERY DAY... I have to snap out of it... Every. Single. Day. I have to remind myself over and over it will be okay. I have to push it so far into the recesses of my mind to where it doesn't exist... For a moment or two.

After my devotion I then lift up prayers for others. So many sick and hurting. Lost and broken. I forget my problems and just focus on them and their healing. Oh how He loves for us to pray for one another. And I love to pray for others because so often, that is literally all I have to give. I then ask for my selfish desires. I asked that grace and peace and love abound. I asked for favor and wisdom, discernment, self-control, grace, peace and understanding. May my gut feeling be Your Holy Spirit..

Then when I am finished I grab my Bible and just ask the Word to speak.... I close my eyes and I open it up. Many times it leaves me flat, for some reason I land in the Old Testament and I am reading scripture on warring factions.
But this morning.
Oh this morning.

Philippians 1: 6, 9-11

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and discernment that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you maybe sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. "

Did you see that?!? Holy wow! Every day since I have been diagnosed with cancer, I have been given so many reassurances from God. Through people's comments, their prayers on my behalf and my time spent with God. I am a Jesus Girl and if you know me you know that. I feel wretched when I am not in His will or when I have pushed Him to the side that day.

All. He. Wants. Is for you and me to draw closer to HIM. He doesn't want us to jump through hoops. He just want us. He wants us to talk to Him. To rely on Him. To spend just a modicum of our day with Him. That's not much really, and I can promise there are many others who spend way more on Him than I could even imagine.

But when I truly humble myself to Him and let Him have the reigns, He really does do great things. He doesn't answer all my prayers like I would like for Him to... But He answers the ones that need to be answered. His timing is perfect and as time progresses, I am very aware He has my best interests at heart.

Let Him have control y'all. He will do unbelievable things.

Monica

Last Day

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... I have heard that my whole life. Well, today is the last day of the life I once knew. Tomorrow a new chapter of life begins for me. That chapter is entitled "Cancer". What a word it is! One of the scariest words in any language, right up there with tsunami, eartquake, ISIS and Satan. It is probably a lot like those other scary words. It has a very destructive power. It can topple the strongest of us all. It doesn't care who you are, how "good" you are, how intelligent or successful you are. It has been quoted as saying, "Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a d@$n!"

I have dealt with cancer in my lifetime on many occasions. I lost my grandmother to it when I was four. I watched it ravage and devour my father when I was 12. It took my father-in-law from us. I recently lost a sweet friend to it. It is the worst thing ever... And I have it.

I always feared it. It was such a terrifying thing to me. Of course when I thought about it I thought about the many people it took from me. So the end result always seemed to be death. How sad... That when I let it invade my thoughts I let it defeat me before even having it. 

Now I do and you know what... It won't defeat me! I refuse to let it steal my joy! I refuse to let it make me sad! I refuse. And that's a true statement because I am stubborn. Like really hard-headed!

So, nah cancer, you can't have me!

I have so much to live for and fight for! I have a wonderful husband who literally can't get out of the rain without me! He needs me y'all!! He can't write a check or pay a bill online! He can't cook chicken and rice and sure as heck can't buy feminine products for our daughter! He doesn't understand the importance of binge watching Gossip Girl or Friends and has no clue who is hot in Hollywood and who is not!!

I have a son who needs his momma to remind him how to treat his new bride and give him tips on how to cook and do various a sundry things to keep her smiling!! He needs me y'all! He has no clue why Ulta is important or what piece of McCarty is important! He needs me to give him tips on teaching children and how to handle their sixth grade minds!

I have a beautiful daughter who needs my advise. She needs my shoulder to cry on when friends are forgetful or cruel! She needs trips to TJ Maxx and Barnes and Noble and needs someone who understands the urgency of both!! When her heart gets broken she needs me to whoop some tail!

My momma needs me, too! So does the rest of my family! Life would be dull without Monica!

And my friends! Lawd have mercy what would they do without my craziness? Life would be boring without my random texts or posts. They would be bored without me to point out what's wrong with everyone around us!

So as of tomorrow I will wage a war against what some may call a Goliath, but I will call it a bothersome gnat! Life will be different after tomorrow but by cracky I am determined it will be better and brighter!

I am confident in my faith and so thankful for it! God has got this, I plan to ride on His coat tails and watch Him work!

In the immortal words of Ginny Owens, from her song If You Want Me To
"But you never said it would be easy, You only said I'd never go alone."

Love to all!

Monica